![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
No writing, just an Amy update
Jan. 26th, 2005 08:28 pmWell, today I had an emotional breakdown. *laughs at matter-of-factness of statement*
I wanted to tell my Dad that I'm worried about him wanting another picture of Mum in the front room (I'm concerned he may be 'shrining'), and ended up spilling everywhere. Those of you who know about my control issues will know that this is possibly the most humiliating thing I can do. I hate losing control and splurging stuff like that. That's why I often use this as a medium; it gives me a modicum of control.
So, let's list my problems: I'm worried about my Dad, I'm worried about my sister, I'm worried about me. My brain is disappearing, I'm worried about my exams; I have to get through all my driving stuff soon; I basically worry about everything.
I'm trying to do too much. I've created a role for myself inside my head that doesn't allow for breakdowns; I'm the one who keeps her head and is supportive, helps everyone else and is okay herself without needing the aid she extends to others. Except that I'm not, really, and I don't know how to stop being that person, because that person helps everyone else to cope and to cope with her, and stopping doing that is like stopping breathing. I've created this persona for myself that I can't seem to drop for more than a half hour at a time.
You see, before all this happened I knew that Mum was there to worry about Dad and Lucy, so I didn't have to. And even though it's not true I now feel like I'm the only one they have to worry about them, so I do. Obsessively. Until it's led to Dad making me promise I'll go talk to a psychiatrist.
I deal badly with change. I'm obsessive. I like things to stay as close to the same as they can, unless I change them myself. I find it difficult to make myself do things that I don't want to. These are all classic symptoms of Aspergers, you know (and I came to the conclusion that I'm slightly Aspergers last November, just to clarify that I'm not just seeking some explanation for my behaviour.)
So basically today I feel really useless, worthless and pathetic. I had to concentrate really hard on what I know about 'The Sentinel' to calm myself down in the end, because otherwise I would have spent all evening hating myself. I still sort of do, but it's more of a dull ache.
I analyse myself too much, and I know all these things are stupid, but then that's logic speaking and logic has never really been my watchword. So please don't tell me I'm being silly, because I take it very seriously.
I may not be in school tomorrow - Dad wants me to stay at home and rest. But I don't want to be at home if Lucy is as well because if I'm taking the day off I want it to be so quiet I could be the only person in the universe, because then I can let everything go and it's just quiet. And that's all I really want right now.
I wanted to tell my Dad that I'm worried about him wanting another picture of Mum in the front room (I'm concerned he may be 'shrining'), and ended up spilling everywhere. Those of you who know about my control issues will know that this is possibly the most humiliating thing I can do. I hate losing control and splurging stuff like that. That's why I often use this as a medium; it gives me a modicum of control.
So, let's list my problems: I'm worried about my Dad, I'm worried about my sister, I'm worried about me. My brain is disappearing, I'm worried about my exams; I have to get through all my driving stuff soon; I basically worry about everything.
I'm trying to do too much. I've created a role for myself inside my head that doesn't allow for breakdowns; I'm the one who keeps her head and is supportive, helps everyone else and is okay herself without needing the aid she extends to others. Except that I'm not, really, and I don't know how to stop being that person, because that person helps everyone else to cope and to cope with her, and stopping doing that is like stopping breathing. I've created this persona for myself that I can't seem to drop for more than a half hour at a time.
You see, before all this happened I knew that Mum was there to worry about Dad and Lucy, so I didn't have to. And even though it's not true I now feel like I'm the only one they have to worry about them, so I do. Obsessively. Until it's led to Dad making me promise I'll go talk to a psychiatrist.
I deal badly with change. I'm obsessive. I like things to stay as close to the same as they can, unless I change them myself. I find it difficult to make myself do things that I don't want to. These are all classic symptoms of Aspergers, you know (and I came to the conclusion that I'm slightly Aspergers last November, just to clarify that I'm not just seeking some explanation for my behaviour.)
So basically today I feel really useless, worthless and pathetic. I had to concentrate really hard on what I know about 'The Sentinel' to calm myself down in the end, because otherwise I would have spent all evening hating myself. I still sort of do, but it's more of a dull ache.
I analyse myself too much, and I know all these things are stupid, but then that's logic speaking and logic has never really been my watchword. So please don't tell me I'm being silly, because I take it very seriously.
I may not be in school tomorrow - Dad wants me to stay at home and rest. But I don't want to be at home if Lucy is as well because if I'm taking the day off I want it to be so quiet I could be the only person in the universe, because then I can let everything go and it's just quiet. And that's all I really want right now.
