No writing, just an Amy update

[tahariel]

Well, today I had an emotional breakdown. *laughs at matter-of-factness of statement*

I wanted to tell my Dad that I'm worried about him wanting another picture of Mum in the front room (I'm concerned he may be 'shrining'), and ended up spilling everywhere. Those of you who know about my control issues will know that this is possibly the most humiliating thing I can do. I hate losing control and splurging stuff like that. That's why I often use this as a medium; it gives me a modicum of control.

So, let's list my problems: I'm worried about my Dad, I'm worried about my sister, I'm worried about me. My brain is disappearing, I'm worried about my exams; I have to get through all my driving stuff soon; I basically worry about everything.

I'm trying to do too much. I've created a role for myself inside my head that doesn't allow for breakdowns; I'm the one who keeps her head and is supportive, helps everyone else and is okay herself without needing the aid she extends to others. Except that I'm not, really, and I don't know how to stop being that person, because that person helps everyone else to cope and to cope with her, and stopping doing that is like stopping breathing. I've created this persona for myself that I can't seem to drop for more than a half hour at a time.

You see, before all this happened I knew that Mum was there to worry about Dad and Lucy, so I didn't have to. And even though it's not true I now feel like I'm the only one they have to worry about them, so I do. Obsessively. Until it's led to Dad making me promise I'll go talk to a psychiatrist.

I deal badly with change. I'm obsessive. I like things to stay as close to the same as they can, unless I change them myself. I find it difficult to make myself do things that I don't want to. These are all classic symptoms of Aspergers, you know (and I came to the conclusion that I'm slightly Aspergers last November, just to clarify that I'm not just seeking some explanation for my behaviour.)

So basically today I feel really useless, worthless and pathetic. I had to concentrate really hard on what I know about 'The Sentinel' to calm myself down in the end, because otherwise I would have spent all evening hating myself. I still sort of do, but it's more of a dull ache.

I analyse myself too much, and I know all these things are stupid, but then that's logic speaking and logic has never really been my watchword. So please don't tell me I'm being silly, because I take it very seriously.

I may not be in school tomorrow - Dad wants me to stay at home and rest. But I don't want to be at home if Lucy is as well because if I'm taking the day off I want it to be so quiet I could be the only person in the universe, because then I can let everything go and it's just quiet. And that's all I really want right now.

Comments

[eclaire.livejournal.com]

I don't know what to say, or if I should be saying anything at all. perhaps if you want time on your own, you should maybe go for a walk, it's just that when you're walking, you are on your own, and if it's a nice day, it's good and it might give you some time to think. And you know when you walk you can try and walk as quite as you like, or if you're lucky stamp your feet in puddles and stuff, it seemed to do a lot. When my brother died, i did a lot of walking, and it sort of helped a bit. It's a bit of a silly idea, but it's all I can offer. Apart from hugs.

Hope you are okay,
Claire x

[tahariel.livejournal.com]

Nobody told me your brother had died. I'm sorry.
I took the day off today - slept in late, hid in my room from the cleaner (who is very nice, but...)
I'm too lazy to walk *laughs* I did a lot of writing, though.
-Amy

[pudding-dragon.livejournal.com]

take things slow sweetie. If you need time - take it. Don't exhaust yourself, ok? You' ve been amazingly strong and we're all here for you. No body can be superman and be everything for everyone. You need some time for yourself - don't be afraid to be a little selfish.

[pobbit.livejournal.com]

As the others said, take as much time as you want and need. We will be here for you anyway and can't help but think how strong you are. I was worried about you today but didn't read this till later.
Love you
-Hollie

[eclaire.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, I sound so wrong in what I replied. I'm sorry Amy. I remember on the cruise when we were talking and I think I learnt a hell of a lot about you that I'd never of known otherwise, and really if there is anything I can do to help, or anything, please just tell me.
Mind if I add you as a friend?
Claire
xx

[tahariel.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sure :) (Did you learn how annoying I am? *laughs* I've never heard me snoring...)