(no subject)

[tahariel]

I've been... introspective of late. Thinking about how nice it would be to have fannish friends here, for instance, because I don't, really. I miss being able to sit down with you all and laugh about things like that.

And I really want to write again but I don't know how. I want to write something wistful and bittersweet and perfect, but I don't know how or where to start. I'm worried that I'll never finish anything ever again, and that even though I love writing I might never be good enough.

I worry that nobody here really understands my... things. My little obsessive things. I got my exam results yesterday - I passed well, by the way - and Myv said something along the lines of 'oh, they're not that sickening' and I thought, 'shit, you know, that's the worst possible thing you could have said to me. And none of my high school friends would have said that to me.' Because when it comes to my grades, I hear 'oh, they're not that good' instead, and anything anybody says that can even vaguely be taken negatively gets stuck in my head and I get sucked down into fear and self-loathing and worry that I'm not good enough and I never will work hard enough and I'll never make it. I'm not saying that you would consciously know not to say that. But you just wouldn't, and I miss that. Somehow you managed to sidestep all my little problems without being aware of it, and I'm retrospectively grateful for that, because my life could have been so much worse if you hadn't.

I'm lonely, even though I have friends who I like very much. I want somebody who likes me best. And somebody, not necessarily the same person, who will sit down with me and chat for hours about ridiculously fannish things and not care about the crazy things I say and not tell me that I make them feel stupid just by talking. Because I don't mean to.

And I don't know what to do about any of this except keep trying. Which may be the healthy thing to do, I think.

Comments

[tarayith.livejournal.com]

I think this is something every person first going to Uni has. For the first year, I was really depressed because I never saw any of you guys and I didn't seem to be making real friends. Now, since I've joined anime club, it's got a lot better and yesterday, I discovered that someone in my PDS group is a closet Zelda fan and someone else is mad about Heroes. So, they're out there. It just took me a year to find them. You'll find really good friends too, so don't give up.

Well done for the exam result (it *is* sickening; this time last year, I got 4th centile for an exam around now, meaning only 3% of the year did worse, lol. Don't let it bother you, it's the main ones that matter).

Love and hugs, hope you haven't caught yet another cold,
Emma

[tahariel.livejournal.com]

OHMIGOD YOU TOTALLY JUST JINXED IT NOW I'M GONNA GET SICK AGAIN AS SOON AS I GO OUTSIDE *becomes a hermit for the rest of her life, and it's all your fault*

[pobbit.livejournal.com]

Please don't do an Obi wan Kenobi on us. The life of a hermit is not so great. It took me far too long to find fannish friends who I could relate to. Don't give up because they will be out there somewhere. Also, well done with the results.