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Section 4 of The Mourning Tree has been updated to the end of a section, so basically has new stuff in it for any whizz kid who managed to read that far. Anyone who wants files via email can still do so.

Today I went to see my lovely lady psychologist again and talked about stuff which is important but embarrassing to talk about, like my obsessive need to sit with my back to the wall in restaurants so that people can't come up behind me without me knowing, because I hate that. I think it dates back to two sad girls at my primary school deciding it was funny to spy on me, to which my response was to sit with my back to the wall so I could see the idiots there. Dimwads.

Basically I want to be loved, and I have an intrinsic feeling that I'm not (excluding my family, who love me obviously, but they kinda don't count because they have to and that's not the point what was my point? oh yes...) It's no reflection on you lot, really, and I'm not saying 'you secretly hate me, don't you? DON'T YOU?' but more a thing about me and the way I relate to the world. What I really want is somebody just for me who I can be close to and tell stuff to and not have to worry about the dumb stuff I sometimes blurt for no good reason at all.

I'm thinking of placing an ad, actually XD

"WANTED: One boy. Must be tall, smart and affectionate. Able to be quiet when I need to be quiet or let me be when I have a migraine. Resigned to losing me to the internet sometimes. Should appreciate the wonders of sci-fi. Preferably the owner of a good sense of humour. A liking for football can be tolerated. Must be capable of weathering weird mental contortions and obsessive worrying, preferably able to create distractions. If you can reach for stuff from high shelves that otherwise require chair-climbing, that would be great. Call 01234 567891."
tahariel: (Default)
Okay, so had a hissy fit last night over Hand of Glory but decided what I was going to do, and also the whys and wherefores of my problem.

I think that when I've been writing first person my characters end up being very angry because I think I am very angry underneath everything. Angry and frustrated. And all of that winds up expelling itself through my characters because I don't vent it myself. Now, this would be fine, except that then we end up with the CLONES!!! problem, which is bad.

So I've decided to make the story gentler, in the hope that it will calm things down. In the original plot there's a series of nasty murders that bring the two main characters together; I've decided that I don't want nasty things like that to be the only thing I can do, so hence Plot 2. (The Hand itself has been cut out entirely.) Toby's sister was married to John's brother, but they didn't know each other. Their siblings were killed in a car crash, and when Toby (our first person character) goes to their house to try and start sorting out their stuff, he finds John already there. So we start off at the house and then move it back to London, where it turns out they don't live all that far apart. And everything leads on from there. I'm thinking of giving it the working title, at least, of The Mourning Tree, because I suck at titles when there isn't something good for me to work off and I thought it sounded okay. This also means me starting over, but there you go, sometimes you have to. So there we have it, girls and boy.

Went to see my new psychologist lady today for the first time. She's very nice, so I think I'll go back. She says that my problem is that I try to rationalise my emotions and put them away when I don't want to deal with them or think they're wrong or pointless, which obviously you can't do with feelings, which is where I get stuck. Stuff like not telling people when I feel hurt by things they do or say, that kind of thing, because I'm worried about making trouble by saying things. I keep everything very much to myself, and it's not good for me, so I'm going to try to be better about that. I think you're all fab, so don't think it's because I don't like you all, I just find it hard, that's all, what with people being people. Which may or may not make sense to you, depending on your own life and experiences.
tahariel: (Default)
I think I have a bit of an ego problem sometimes. The problem is that I also have low self-confidence problems. It's kinda hard to be that way...

The reason I'm saying this is because I got so pissed off with that RPG I joined that I decided to stop psting immediately because it's godawful. The sole reason any of them are in it is to get off with another character, none of whom are of the opposite sex, and if you try to build a character so that they get to know people before they start spouting innuendo you pretty much get ignored. Their canon characters are awful, not at all in character, and basically the writer in me was murdered brutally every time I went back on to see what was going on. So I quit. The ego problem is thus - I really look down upon these people for their idiocy, and then wonder if I'm just too picky.

Then I remember the way they write and shudder and think I must be right after all.

I've posted a couple more HP fics on my Schnoogle account' they should be up in the next week or so (so review!) The fic I feel best about is not going up yet because I'm so pleased with it that I want it to be perfect before I post it, hence am wanting opinions... Susan and Kat already gave them, my fangirl Alexia (I love you so much for being my fangirl!) is going to get back to me, and if anyone else has the time (pleasepleaseplease) let me know and I'll email it to you because I love this so much. It was titleless but is now called 'Breath of Life'. The other two are renamed because I thought of better titles than I had and are 'Triptych' and 'Anniversarius'. Anyone who reviews gets cake, made by me, as in real cake, so pleasepleaseplease help me get the page view to review ratio up! I found out that for two hundred and eighty-six views of my fic 'Blue' I got nine reviews. That's just abysmal, don't you think? That's one in around thirty-two people reviewing.
tahariel: (Default)
So today I actually talked to Mark (the guy I like at work) and wasn't too much of a doofus. Though I was one time. But now my brain has got itself into this 'talking to him loads all of sudden is weird, isn't it?!' thing which blows. Argh, stupid brain!

But I did talk to him! I gave him a mint crumble as an opener because I'm just that smooth (it was all pre-planned, I'm so obsessively weird)
tahariel: (Default)
Hold on
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
I don't know why
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
<-- lyrics from 'Unwell' by Matchbox 20

I've decided that I want my psychologist visits and anti-depressants and stuff to be referred to as my 'crazy problem', because 'nutso problem' doesn't have such a nice ring to it... this is what is called 'diffusing the situation with humour' or 'pretending it is better than it is' because I find the idea weird even if you guys don't.

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