Apologies...

[tahariel]

I apologise to everyone reading for what I'm about to type. But it needs to go somewhere. If you can't take it then you know where to stick it.

FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT ALL I FUCKING HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH AND I'M NOT SURE I CAN FUCKING TAKE IT ANY MORE. EVERYTHING'S CHANGING AND I FUCKING HATE IT BECAUSE IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE LIKE THIS AND IT HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH AND I CAN'T ADMIT TO IT AND I CAN'T LET IT SHOW BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH ANYWAY BUT I HATE IT SO MUCH AND I THINK MY HEART IS BREAKING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL. I'M GRADUALLY SHUTTING MYSELF DOWN AND I CAN'T STAND IT BECAUSE I KNOW THAT IT'S BAD FOR ME BUT GODDAMN IT, WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. I CAN'T JUST PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING'S ALRIGHT BECAUSE IT'S NOT BUT I HAVE TO BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT'S TOO HARD.

AND I KNOW THIS IS ALL IN CAPITALS AND I DON'T REALLY CARE. I'M NOT SUICIDAL, I SWEAR, JUST DEPRESSED. AND I DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PSYCHIATRIST BECAUSE THAT'S WORSE.

MY CONTROL IS SLIPPING AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. CONTROL IS WHAT HOLDS ME TOGETHER.

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. MY LANGUAGE STINKS BUT FUCK. FUCK!

Comments

[aliiyn.livejournal.com]

Amy, firstly, big big hugs. Secondly, yell all you want. No one has the right to deny you that. Finally, if you want a place to get away from it all, come visit Oxford and me. We'll do anime and chocolate and you can do/say whatever the hell you like.

We all love you, 'kay?

[tahariel.livejournal.com]

Hello (ha ha, rather lame reply)
I'm just a bit down at the moment, I think. But I want to talk to you more *waves hands at Jenny across the distance*
Wah, my Grandparents are coming today (we're burying Mum's ashes tomorrow) and I don't get along with my grandma TT-TT

[aliiyn.livejournal.com]

hehe, I want to talk to you more too-I miss the infamous "bus chats" :)

You're allowed to be down. If you want to scream and yell, don't worry about it. It's better than hiding it all within. Hope things are ok with your grandmother. *hugs*