Freckle

I have a new freckle on my wrist under the place where my watch goes, and every time I take my watch off I'm surprised. This sounds really stupid, but I genuinely forget it's there. Weird.

What is the difference between a freckle and a mole? I'd like to know.

That's all for now ^-^

(no subject)

My heart is beating fast, fast
Let's lock it all away
Where we can't see it
The taste of it is bitter, bitter
And it just won't wash away
Remember to breathe
Remember not to feel
Remember not to remember
The things we used to do
Remember not to remember
The things we locked away
Beloved, beloved one
If remembering hurts this much
Then why does it hurt more to forget?
It's so easy to ignore it
It's so hard to ignore it
Don't let's let it be real
If we pretend hard enough it might go away
It won't go away
Please make it go away

I'm sick of being the banana in the apple pie. It's always me that sticks out and thinks something different, and when there's only three of you - let me put that a different way. When you think the way I do, and have opinions the way I do, you get overruled more often than you can put up with, eventually. In everything I do. Ever. I'm always the fucking banana, and I'm sick of it.

Sorrows come in threes, right?
I'm waiting for number three.
My dog is sick. And in the long run he's not going to get better. I'll put this into perspective - I can't remember a time without Sparky. I thought he was like my brother when I was little. And now his liver's got something wrong with it, and I don't need this right now.

I try and put on a brave face
Though it's my only face
Because admitting everything just hurts too much
People think I don't care
I almost wish I didn't care
I saw your cardigan today
We thought about your epitaph today
How can I write an epitaph if
I don't believe you're gone?
You can't be gone

I'm depressed but I'm not and I'm hurting but I'm not and I hate this so much. I want to write but I can't. I want to cry but more often than not I can't.

It's at times like this (though nothing else has been like this) that I lose more of my personal illusions. We rely on them to keep us sane, I think. Having illusions about oneself helps us to sleep at night. Stripped of these we see ourselves as we truly are and cannot help but be disappointed and curl in on ourselves to try and protect the centre part. I feel so disconnected right now. The world is too sharp. People talk all the time but it means absolutely nothing. "Oh my God, he's such a bastard, I don't know if I should break up with him" - wow, you have such huge problems, don't you? And it's uncharitable because I empathise with people a lot most of the time, and I hate the part of me that sits there and makes those comments. I hate the part that wants people to talk to me about it, because I'd probably get upset with them if they did. I hate the part of me that is broadcasting all of this to the world through this lj, as though my mental contortions actually matter to anyone else, however much they think it matters. It won't keep them up at night. And I hate the part of me that hates myself. Trees are outlined bleakly black against the pale expanse of the sky. Birds call out hoarsely against the winter wind. Grey pavements submit to the pounding of incessant feet. Christmas lights flash defiantly in windows across the country, as though trying to declare their owner's love of Christmas despite the fact that next door and next door and next door have the same ones in their same porch.

It's time to run away and play pretend
Somewhere where no-one can see;
Somewhere where I need not bend
Beneath this stone on top of me
Imaginary
Where I always lived in truth
Imaginary
Beneath some other roof
Illusionary
None of it is real
Illusory
But there I needn't feel

To be perfectly honest, and if this hurts anyone I'm sorry, none of you has any idea how I feel right now. Emma and Susan might have an inkling. But these things fade over time, and I've never claimed to have feelings that are less than all-consuming.

Fading sounds very good right now.