(no subject)

[tahariel]

Feeling really down and discouraged after placement today like maybe I am the most incompetent orthoptic student in the history of ever and will never be good enough to practice for real, and that maybe I should just go work as a Field Technician instead because I can do the grunt work okay at least.

I think the worst thing about is that Nicola - who was the orthoptist tutoring me today - kept pulling me up on things I should have done and asking me questions I should have known the answers to, and isn't even mean - just keeps pointing out all the things I do wrong and don't know, and she's nice when we're not talking orthoptics so clearly it's just that I am dumb.

After Canterbury I was so energised and felt really good and here I feel like maybe I'm wasting their time. I knew coming in that this is supposed to be a tough placement but I didn't think it would be tough because I was incompetent. I'm actually crying a bit. I never do that.

I really, really hate feeling this useless and pathetic.

Comments

[tellezara.livejournal.com]

Shhh *hug* You are not useless, believe me on that. Pointing out all the things you're doing wrong and not telling you about the things you did right is a different kind of mean, that's worse because while you can't feel angry at them as they're not really victimising you or anything, they still make you feel like crap. Even when you do right the things that you did wrong previously, they will just pick you up on something else. You won't get any acknowledgement for the things you have done correctly.

It's a horrible method of feedback, I hate places that deliver it like that - You go in feeling like you're going to try your best, and come out feeling like you're totally hopeless. And 4 weeks of it is just shit. Unfortunately, I know from experience that all you can do right now is try and get through it as best you can.

You CAN do this stuff, hon, it's just that they make the inconsequential things sound like gigantic mistakes and you forget about the things that you have done correctly. And you're definitely a bright spark - Birmingham grill you on your theory and they just keep pressing and pressing until they find something that you can't answer. You may find that even though there are things you should've known the answer to, your answers to other things may have impressed them, even though they'll never show that.

The only consolation I can offer you is that other people in my year have been to Birmingham, have cried and felt like shit, and have come out with 7s and 8s - they beat the spirit out of you, but you're rewarded for it in the end. And also try not to forget that you're only at the end of your second year - you've had less than 14 weeks of practical experience, it's totally natural to forget to do things and to still have an enormous gap between your theoretical knowledge and your ability to apply it. Even on my final placement I still forgot to do sterotest occasionally, or screw up some other thing. But you know what? In the majority of patients, it doesn't matter - however much Birmingham might like to make it sound like a deadly sin.

tl;dr version: Birmingham are bastards, if you were somewhere else they would probably think you were doing just fine for your current level of experience. So have faith in yourself, and when they're telling you all the things you did wrong, go back through the investigation you've just done and point out to yourself all the things you did right - including the things they told you you'd done wrong previously. Use that to measure your progress, not their horrible feedback :)

[tahariel.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I needed that. *hugs* Congrats on being officially official now, btw :)

[tellezara.livejournal.com]

Thankyou! So you've only been there four days and they're already picking on you? FFS ¬_¬ Most places at least allow you a week's grace because they know you're a bit rusty. It's amazing how much you forget, even when it's only been a month or so since your last placement, because you've been cramming theory in between for exams.

Well, because you're getting Birmingham out of the way now here's hoping you get sent to some good places in third year. It's amazing what it's like to go somewhere nice after being at Birmingham or Frimley Park - it's an epiphany, like rediscovering why you signed up for the course, haha. I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating, but honestly, Frimley Park broke my confidence so badly that when I went to St. Asaph in the Easter of second year, I was dreading another fortnight of being shit at everything. But they were so goddamn lovely at St. Asaph, it was just incredible, and it brings out what you're truly capable of because you can actually do stuff and you're good at it, and they tell you so. It just goes to show what a difference the tutor feedback style makes to your performance.

But I was fortunate with regard to Frimley - Gail knew it was a shit placement as a whole, and they send people there because they don't have much choice. And so they ignored the bad report I received there. Whereas the feedback from Birmingham they sit up and take more notice of. Like I said, at Birmingham you usually come out with a good mark if they're satisfied with your performance, however shit they make you out to be when you're actually there. Which is why it's really important to try and be strong on the inside, though I know how damn hard it is when they're wearing you down day after day :( Best of luck, and do have a rant on here as and when you need to!

[(Anonymous)]

Unfortunately I've asked for Moorfields next year since it's close to home etc and apparently they're even worse 0-0

Today was a much better day though. I talked to my placement tutor about it and she said I needed to set myself lower goals maybe and was really nice to me all morning, and I don't have Nicola again until next Friday morning, and that's just for Fields, so.

Hopefully things are going to get better.

[tellezara.livejournal.com]

Moorfields is actually better. I know someone who went to both places and they loved Moorfields, the odd bad day and the bedbugs in the YMCA aside! Good to hear today was better - you'll have ups and downs throughout I'm sure, but one week down and three left ^^

[magic-at-mungos.livejournal.com]

How long have you been on this placement?> You are the student. You're there to learn. Ok you forget stuff but you're human. Everyone forgets stuff. It's not as if you don't know.

Chin up chuck.

[tahariel.livejournal.com]

...four days counting today. I have three weeks left.

I'll try. Thanks :)

[magic-at-mungos.livejournal.com]

Oh please. You've been there less than a week. I'd be more surprised if you hadn't made mistakes (and I mean that in a nice way!)

[pobbit.livejournal.com]

You do know a heck of a lot. I know you do because you are constantly talking about it when I see you. As has been said before, that is a crap method of feedback, but you can do it. *Hugs*