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Jul. 28th, 2005 10:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
taharielHello! *waves enthusiastically*
Went to a gig tonight - a band called 'Steve', Christian Rock music at the 'Lights Out' part of Lighthouse. I really thought they were good. Their songs weren't too heavy on the Jesus, which I appreciate.
Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually quite a logical person. Which is why I think it's the way my mind works that doesn't really allow for religion. I'd like to have religion, it seems nice, but I just can't believe in something it's impossible to prove. So there you go. (For those who are surely asking the question, I go to Lighthouse because a) I love the kids and b) I've been going since I was 5, it's a habit!)
I've read a lot of good books recently, come to think about it. But I'm too lazy to write epic posts like Sammy, so I'll talk about them if they become relevant. (Hmm. I think maybe I should explain more about stuff, I make lots of short comments.)
Oh... something I want to get out of my head. If I don't write it down I'll break down. It's kinda messed up, which is why it's behind a cut. Read it if you want. I have nowhere else to put it, so...
I want to go back to when everything happened to Mum. I want to go back to when I goddamn felt something about it, when finding out she'd died when we were driving home from the hospital made me curl into a little ball and keen so high in my throat the noise was lost, jaw so tense it ached and my eyes were a furious puffed red. Anything but this all-pervading numbness that sleeps below the surface of my day-to-day emotions. I want to go back to the day when I opened her wardrobe and my mother-smell just wooshed out at me and made me bawl so hard I was depressed all afternoon at work. I want to remember what that felt like, because even though I want to I never cry. I'm too self-contained and I worry it's eating me up without my knowledge. Let me listen to a song once again and burst into tears. Let me ache with it, scream with it, feel it, because that was better than this. It's a totally fucked up thing to want, but sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm more than a little fucked up, when you get down to it. Under the surface where nobody can see it lurking.
Went to a gig tonight - a band called 'Steve', Christian Rock music at the 'Lights Out' part of Lighthouse. I really thought they were good. Their songs weren't too heavy on the Jesus, which I appreciate.
Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually quite a logical person. Which is why I think it's the way my mind works that doesn't really allow for religion. I'd like to have religion, it seems nice, but I just can't believe in something it's impossible to prove. So there you go. (For those who are surely asking the question, I go to Lighthouse because a) I love the kids and b) I've been going since I was 5, it's a habit!)
I've read a lot of good books recently, come to think about it. But I'm too lazy to write epic posts like Sammy, so I'll talk about them if they become relevant. (Hmm. I think maybe I should explain more about stuff, I make lots of short comments.)
Oh... something I want to get out of my head. If I don't write it down I'll break down. It's kinda messed up, which is why it's behind a cut. Read it if you want. I have nowhere else to put it, so...
I want to go back to when everything happened to Mum. I want to go back to when I goddamn felt something about it, when finding out she'd died when we were driving home from the hospital made me curl into a little ball and keen so high in my throat the noise was lost, jaw so tense it ached and my eyes were a furious puffed red. Anything but this all-pervading numbness that sleeps below the surface of my day-to-day emotions. I want to go back to the day when I opened her wardrobe and my mother-smell just wooshed out at me and made me bawl so hard I was depressed all afternoon at work. I want to remember what that felt like, because even though I want to I never cry. I'm too self-contained and I worry it's eating me up without my knowledge. Let me listen to a song once again and burst into tears. Let me ache with it, scream with it, feel it, because that was better than this. It's a totally fucked up thing to want, but sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm more than a little fucked up, when you get down to it. Under the surface where nobody can see it lurking.
