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Jun. 18th, 2005
(no subject)
Jun. 18th, 2005 10:25 pmMy shoulder makes a funny noise when I move it, sorta like creaking... I wonder if I have dry-rot? (Like a creaky old house...)
So what I want to talk about tonight will sound weird (and possibly like it needs a rating) until you actually read it and find out it's rather banal in comparison to your weird expectations ^-^;; It's about the weird fantasies I have in bed when everyone else in the house is asleep or quiet.
I'm eighteen years old, I'm pretty normal (physically speaking; my brain is a whole different matter), and yet when I have fantasies they're pretty much always about cuddling up with someone who loves me and going to sleep. That's it. That's what I want. Somebody who loves me to cuddle up with and go to sleep with. So sometimes it's guys like TV characters or whatever whom I like, or whatever, but basically it comes down to being really quite mundane, don't you think?
And I think to myself, 'how incredibly... naive? innocent? I don't know.' There isn't really a word for it. Shall we say... 'how very uncomplicated.' 'How simple.' 'How stupid does the word how look when you write it out?' (not entirely on topic). It sort of highlights a growing need I've noticed in myself since my self-evaluation got even deeper under my skin (apres Mum.) I just want to be loved, basically. (Doesn't everyone?) But perhaps... more strongly? More deeply? I've had a lot of times in my life when I've felt very isolated from every other person, whether that's because I realise how little people really know me, or things like that I'm no-one's best friend, or when I've been rejected in some way or another. I do it to myself to some degree, I acknowledge, but I don't have to like it. But it saddens me. I have distance even, really, from my closest friends and family. I will always, unthinkingly, sit in the armchair rather than the sofa while everyone else piles in together. Maybe I'm too self-contained and thus have a thing about being touched? I don't know.
I had a long period in primary school where I had no friends. Then again in high school for a while. Also when Kat and I were feuding (which seems funny now, but wasn't then, of course.) Quite apaprt from that, there's the mental distance I've always felt, perhaps because of being so different from most people my age in taste and attitude. I spend a lot of time here, on the computer, instead of watching TV with my family. Then of course there's been Mum and the dog and everything this year which has been kinda shitty, to be honest. So...
Hmm. This is a long thing. And quite, almost brutally honest, I think. More honest than I usually am about stuff like this, anyway. (I may not see a lot of you again, ha ha) But I'll post it anyway because it would annoy me to have written all of this then get rid of it (besides the honesty, I think, being a good thing.)
So that's what I ended up talking about. I bet that wasn't what you were expecting, right? A lot of things I say and do aren't what people are expecting. I wonder if that may be a contributing factor?
So what I want to talk about tonight will sound weird (and possibly like it needs a rating) until you actually read it and find out it's rather banal in comparison to your weird expectations ^-^;; It's about the weird fantasies I have in bed when everyone else in the house is asleep or quiet.
I'm eighteen years old, I'm pretty normal (physically speaking; my brain is a whole different matter), and yet when I have fantasies they're pretty much always about cuddling up with someone who loves me and going to sleep. That's it. That's what I want. Somebody who loves me to cuddle up with and go to sleep with. So sometimes it's guys like TV characters or whatever whom I like, or whatever, but basically it comes down to being really quite mundane, don't you think?
And I think to myself, 'how incredibly... naive? innocent? I don't know.' There isn't really a word for it. Shall we say... 'how very uncomplicated.' 'How simple.' 'How stupid does the word how look when you write it out?' (not entirely on topic). It sort of highlights a growing need I've noticed in myself since my self-evaluation got even deeper under my skin (apres Mum.) I just want to be loved, basically. (Doesn't everyone?) But perhaps... more strongly? More deeply? I've had a lot of times in my life when I've felt very isolated from every other person, whether that's because I realise how little people really know me, or things like that I'm no-one's best friend, or when I've been rejected in some way or another. I do it to myself to some degree, I acknowledge, but I don't have to like it. But it saddens me. I have distance even, really, from my closest friends and family. I will always, unthinkingly, sit in the armchair rather than the sofa while everyone else piles in together. Maybe I'm too self-contained and thus have a thing about being touched? I don't know.
I had a long period in primary school where I had no friends. Then again in high school for a while. Also when Kat and I were feuding (which seems funny now, but wasn't then, of course.) Quite apaprt from that, there's the mental distance I've always felt, perhaps because of being so different from most people my age in taste and attitude. I spend a lot of time here, on the computer, instead of watching TV with my family. Then of course there's been Mum and the dog and everything this year which has been kinda shitty, to be honest. So...
Hmm. This is a long thing. And quite, almost brutally honest, I think. More honest than I usually am about stuff like this, anyway. (I may not see a lot of you again, ha ha) But I'll post it anyway because it would annoy me to have written all of this then get rid of it (besides the honesty, I think, being a good thing.)
So that's what I ended up talking about. I bet that wasn't what you were expecting, right? A lot of things I say and do aren't what people are expecting. I wonder if that may be a contributing factor?
