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I've been... introspective of late. Thinking about how nice it would be to have fannish friends here, for instance, because I don't, really. I miss being able to sit down with you all and laugh about things like that.
And I really want to write again but I don't know how. I want to write something wistful and bittersweet and perfect, but I don't know how or where to start. I'm worried that I'll never finish anything ever again, and that even though I love writing I might never be good enough.
I worry that nobody here really understands my... things. My little obsessive things. I got my exam results yesterday - I passed well, by the way - and Myv said something along the lines of 'oh, they're not that sickening' and I thought, 'shit, you know, that's the worst possible thing you could have said to me. And none of my high school friends would have said that to me.' Because when it comes to my grades, I hear 'oh, they're not that good' instead, and anything anybody says that can even vaguely be taken negatively gets stuck in my head and I get sucked down into fear and self-loathing and worry that I'm not good enough and I never will work hard enough and I'll never make it. I'm not saying that you would consciously know not to say that. But you just wouldn't, and I miss that. Somehow you managed to sidestep all my little problems without being aware of it, and I'm retrospectively grateful for that, because my life could have been so much worse if you hadn't.
I'm lonely, even though I have friends who I like very much. I want somebody who likes me best. And somebody, not necessarily the same person, who will sit down with me and chat for hours about ridiculously fannish things and not care about the crazy things I say and not tell me that I make them feel stupid just by talking. Because I don't mean to.
And I don't know what to do about any of this except keep trying. Which may be the healthy thing to do, I think.
And I really want to write again but I don't know how. I want to write something wistful and bittersweet and perfect, but I don't know how or where to start. I'm worried that I'll never finish anything ever again, and that even though I love writing I might never be good enough.
I worry that nobody here really understands my... things. My little obsessive things. I got my exam results yesterday - I passed well, by the way - and Myv said something along the lines of 'oh, they're not that sickening' and I thought, 'shit, you know, that's the worst possible thing you could have said to me. And none of my high school friends would have said that to me.' Because when it comes to my grades, I hear 'oh, they're not that good' instead, and anything anybody says that can even vaguely be taken negatively gets stuck in my head and I get sucked down into fear and self-loathing and worry that I'm not good enough and I never will work hard enough and I'll never make it. I'm not saying that you would consciously know not to say that. But you just wouldn't, and I miss that. Somehow you managed to sidestep all my little problems without being aware of it, and I'm retrospectively grateful for that, because my life could have been so much worse if you hadn't.
I'm lonely, even though I have friends who I like very much. I want somebody who likes me best. And somebody, not necessarily the same person, who will sit down with me and chat for hours about ridiculously fannish things and not care about the crazy things I say and not tell me that I make them feel stupid just by talking. Because I don't mean to.
And I don't know what to do about any of this except keep trying. Which may be the healthy thing to do, I think.